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Posts Tagged ‘zombies’

365-58: zombies eat human flesh

zombies eat human flesh

Day 58 of 365: a year in songs and photos

Song: NoMeansNo, Cats, Sex, Nazis

cheating a little bit, but sue me. I’m still struck with this nasty virus.

This is a camera phone pic of some place mat art by my 7 year old nephew, David. As he explained, the children are puking zombies who throw up every time they eat human flesh. Note that the X in their eyes is what makes them zombies. Also, the scribbling on the girl’s hand means her hand is missing because the boy ate it, hence his vomiting.

I just thought this was so apropos, given what my entire family has spent the past two days doing.

We are the vomiting zombies.

That would be a great name for a band.

Also, great song, if you never heard it.

Zombies eat human flesh
Which part do you like the best ?
I like the heart the best
Zombies eat human flesh

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the first in what will be an occasional series of tributes to my favorite movies.

Night of the Living Dead

Let’s start here by telling you that I really, really want to be a zombie some day. Some people want to be firemen, some people want to be rock stars, I want to be a zombie. I’m really rooting for this whole bird flu thing to take off in the hopes that it will end in zombie infestation and I can just give up my being to the flesh eaters. You think I’m fighting the undead? No way. Why fight off the zombies? Why spend days running from them, trying to fend them off, beating them, shooting them, cowering in fear in the basement (we don’t even have a basement) when eventually, they are going to win? Once the zombie infestation starts, that’s it. It’s assimilate or die. You can shoot as many brains as you want, but in the end, the undead will outnumber the living and you may as well just let them bite you early on rather than attempting to put up some brave and noble fight for survival.

Had they realized this in Night of the Living Dead, things would have worked out a lot differently. Maybe if Barbra and Johnny and Ben had a “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” philosophy, they could have avoided all that family-eating-family tragedy. No one wants to see that. Give yourself up at the start and you won’t find yourself staring down your zombified teenage daughter gnawing on her father.

Yes, I would give up that easily. What can I say? I’m a joiner. I follow trends, I don’t set them. It’s just so much easier to hold out your arms and accept what fate hands you than to fight it. It’s easier to convince yourself that being a zombie wouldn’t be so bad after all – no work, no taxes to pay, abundant food supply and, best of all, I could go on the hunt for people I hate and zombiefy them. How cool would it be to sink my undead teeth into Yngwie Malmsteem’s fleshy neck?

Anyhow, Night of the Living Dead. Yes, I know; social commentary, racism, class warfare, women are weak, blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all. But let’s get down to basics. It’s a zombie movie. People get eaten. Teeth are bared. Kids eat their parents. Brains explode. The living dead! Braaaaainnnnnnnssssss! Who the hell cares if George Romero was giving us a subtle lesson in social mores? There are zombies. And they’re coming to get you, Barbra!

For all I care the movie – and all Romero’s movies, really – could have contained within the dialogue the hidden codes to figuring out the order of the universe, the secret life of Jesus Christ, and how to get eternal life in Legend of Zelda and I still wouldn’t care. Well, maybe I’d care about the Zelda thing. Because eternal life would rule.

There’s not much to else say about Night of the Living Dead. It’s a classic. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t seen it. It paved the way for zillions of zombie movies after it. Without the cheesiness and stilted dialogue and awkward social commentary of Night of the Living Dead, we wouldn’t have Dawn of the Dead or Day of the Dead or Return of the Living Dead or even Shaun of the Dead. And then where would we be? If it weren’t for Romero, I would be just another aimless human being, a worker drone living out a meek existence just waiting for death to come take me away. But, no. I have a goal. I have a plan. I’m going to become a zombie someday! Come on, bird flu! Work your viral magic!

I can’t wait for the day I wake up only to find my children all bug eyed and bloody, arguing over the last piece of my neighbor’s leg. Then I’ll know I made it. I will walk out the door and down the street and look for the first large group of zombies I can find. they're coming to get you, barbara And then I’m going climb on top of the nearest building and do the most awesome stage dive ever right into the middle of that pack of living dead things, some Slayer song playing inside my head. Sure it might hurt at first. The flesh tearing thing probably isn’t a whole lot of fun. But in the end, I win. I get to be zombie.

We need to pay tribute, not really to this film, per se, but to the undead in general. How many Misfits songs would have gone unwritten if not for zombies? Would there be an Army of Darkness? A House of Dead game at your local arcade? See what I mean? Don’t mess with the zombies, man. They have added more to our culture than most Europeans.

Next time you’re enjoying brains for dinner or brains for lunch, give a little thanks to George Romero, ok?

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Rock You Like A Hurricane

I really wish they (“they” being a myriad of people/organizations) would stop telling us that New York is “due” for a really big hurricane.

They’ve been harping on this for three years now. You would think they’d understand by now that as-yet-non-existent hurricanes don’t really have a travel itinerary. There’s no hurricane boss standing around saying “Ok, Hurricane Frank, you will head to NY in August of 2007.” It’s not like these things are flying into Kennedy Airport with their bags packed.

Yea, we’re due. The same way we are due for a blizzard of previously yet unseen terror. The same way we are due for a tidal wave that will sink Long Island into the ocean.

Oh, that reminds me. When I was in high school (centuries ago!), they used to tell us that Long Island was sinking an inch a year and pretty soon it would all be underwater and we’d have to find somewhere else to live.

We’re still here.

Why do the People In Charge Of Everything love to be such alarmists? Maybe they are in cahoots with Home Depot and they have an agreement that says every spring they need to announce an imminent, dangerous hurricane so people run out and by plywood and generators and stuff, and Homeland Security gets a cut of the action.

It doesn’t matter to me, anyhow. I’ve said this before: If a huge hurricane decides to make its way here, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not packing up my family and heading to higher ground. I’d rather take the chance and possibly die in my house than perish in traffic on the Long Island Expressway. Because, let’s face it. If there’s a mass exodus along those Coastal Evacuation routes they set up, it’s gonna take about seven hours for you to get from one exit to the next on the LIE. By the time the hurricane hits, we’ll still be bumper to bumper trying to get onto the Triboro bridge and I ain’t going out like that. I spend enough of my life cursing at the traffic jams on Long Island. If I have a choice between facing a hurricane in the comfort of my own home or making a lame attempt to flee the storm and dying in a sea of Expeditions and Suburbans, I’m going to opt for sticking my head under the covers and waiting it out in my bed.

Even if we survive, it’s not going to be anything like the aftermath of Katrina. Long Islanders are inherently lazy people. We can’t be bothered to loot and riot. Most people around here would spend the days after just worrying about how this affects their lawns or their golf plans.

Besides, there are more important things to worry about, things that the People In Charge of Everything are suspiciously silent about when it comes to preparation and planning.

Screw the hurricane alarmists. I’m ready and waiting for the coming Zombie Invasion.

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Phantom Planet – Big Brat

This song rocks on its own accord. But zombies, man! ZOMBIES!

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28 Weeks Later, A Review

First, let me say that I was never a fan of the first movie of this series, 28 Days Later. Everyone called it a zombie movie. No. Zombies are the living dead. These people are not dead. Therefore, not zombies.

Now that I have that out of the way, let’s cut to the chase.

This movie SUCKED.

I know, it’s horror movie and you shouldn’t expect much from horror movies. Unless they are touted as “art house” movies that defy cinemagraphic norms.

Moving the camera around in arcs and coloring everything so that it looks like high contrast photographs run through some cheap Photoshop filter does not a good movie make.

You need suspense. You need momentum. You need me to care about what is happening. Hell, I cared more about the flat characters in Day of the Dead than I did about the people in 28 Weeks. When 20 minutes into a movie I start thinking about how much longer til I can get out of the theater and pee and smoke, you’ve got a clunker on your hands.

No amount of gore and splattered blood and exploding eyeballs could keep me interested in anything but making mental notes of the plot holes and mistakes (I mean, could you really survive a chemical weapon attack by rolling up the windows in a car and putting your shirt over your face?) or counting how many close up shots of there were of the girl’s face.

So many stories here, and none of them explained or expanded upon. It could have been good. But no, it was like sticking your hand in a box of Cracker Jacks expecting a prize and getting just an empty prize wrapper. Maybe it would have been better if there as no expectation of filling in plot lines or back stories or explanations for things like why the kid and mother were carriers (I’m assuming it had something to do with the eyes, but who knows, they never explained it). If the movie had just been another mindless, plotless gorefest, I would have been ok with it. But don’t tease me with the beginnings of some depth and then suddenly cut me off by switching back to fake scares and shaky camera action to fill the space on the reel.

I really wanted to like this movie. I liked the premise. I wanted the answer to the question that most post apocalyptic zombie-type movies make me think: what happens after? Not only did this movie NOT answer my question, it just left me with more.

Like, what the fuck was I thinking by spending money on this crap?

Now, let’s go over this zombie thing again, shall we?

Zombies are the living dead. They do not run, they lumber. They are not beings who have been infected with some virus and go crazy. They are dead. They are slow.

Accept no substitutes.

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