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Posts Tagged ‘stairway to heaven’

Blender Magazine has made a list of the worst lyricists of all time. (I’d like to Blender’s list, but I can’t find it on their site. I’m guessing it’s in the latest issue that they want you to buy instead of read for free). The list is topped by Sting; I’m inclined to agree that his lyrics are somewhat schmaltzy and forced, but I would have put one of the runner ups – Noel Gallagher of Oasis – up top. Maybe. There’s just so much to choose from. Neil Peart, Robert Plant and Scott Stapp all deservingly made the list.

It’s much easier to come up with single examples of bad lyrics than to point to someone’s entire catalog and say “my god, those words all suck.” I guess everyone is guilty of coming up with horrid rhymes once in a while, even if the rest of their work is good. It’s also easy to sit here and point to a million novelty type songs (Muskrat Love) and give them the title as worst lyrics ever. But when I do things like this, I don’t like to make it easy.

Yes, this is sort of a question of the day. Well, more like a compiling of songs. Rock songs. Rock songs with terrible lyrics by otherwise ok bands.

I’ve already spent time in the past discussing why I cringe when I listen to Stairway to Heaven now. I’ve discussed the inanity of the Yes lyrics I used to think were deep. I’ve dissed The Devil Went Down to Georgia and a hundred Pearl Jam lyrics and the aqua sea foam shame of Nirvana. I’ve written extensively on how Beck’s lyrics come off like Nigerian spam set to music (but good music!). But I still, in all my years of going deaf from rock and roll, have never seen nor sung stupider lyrics than Pour Some Sugar on Me:

Love is like a bomb, baby, c’mon get it on
Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah

Television lover? Razzle n Dazzle? Sugar me sweet? What the hell is going on here? Are you coming on to someone or making dessert?

Oh it gets better. And you know what the worst part is? I love this song. I blast it in the car. I remember one night pulling into 7-11 with this song cranked up, windows down and I was singing pretty loud:

You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet to taste, saccharine
‘Cos I’m hot, say what, sticky sweet
From my head, my head, to my feet

There were people in the parking lot. They just looked at me. The look usually reserved for some guy in an Firebird who is rocking out to Journey. And I thought to myself, what in the hell am I singing? Saccharine? I’m sorry, but no self respecting rock song should have the word “saccharine” in it.

Do you take sugar? One lump or two?

Worst lyrics EVER. Seriously. (anyone get the picture reference?)

Well, you know what I’m about to do. Ask you for your favorite worst lyrics. BUT……..like I said, NO novelty songs. And let’s stick to ROCK songs. That means no Afternoon Delight, no Muskrat Love, no Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. I’m talking about songs that normal people rock out to and maybe every once in a while stop and say “What did he just say?”

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