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earthbound misfit, i

earth bound misfit, i

I’m deathly afraid of heights. I like to keep my feet on the ground. If I have to go upward, I don’t look down.

So guess what Todd wants to do for my birthday in August?

Skydiving.

Me, skydiving.

An instant wave of fear came over me the second he mentioned it. Then I thought some more about it. If I can conquer this one fear then maybe, in turn, I can conquer them all.

The wonderful thing about Todd (well, one of the many wonderful things) is that he has encouraged me to face my fears and anxieties head on instead of sitting around wallowing in them. I’ve done so many things with him that in the past would have frozen me solid with fear.

I was thisclose to becoming agoraphobic. I rarely left the house, except to go to work. I couldn’t go anywhere with a crowd or anywhere I would have to talk to strangers. I even stopped going to family functions. Just going food shopping was a major undertaking. Hell, living was a major undertaking.

Little by little, I’ve come back to life. I go out. I mingle in crowds. I make small talk with strangers. I respond “yes” to all extended family outings. I can actually go somewhere by myself now without waiting for a panic attack to come on.

I’m learning to fly.

If I’ve done all that, then what’s to stop my from skydiving on my 45th birthday? A fear of heights is such a vague fear; I know when I’m standing inside a tall building looking down that I am not going to fall out of the closed window. Yet I feel that wild fear building up when I look out the window.

I’ve conquered worse, more tangible fears than heights. I conquered a fear of living, in a way. I conquered a lot of demons that were living within me. I conquered depression and anxiety. I conquered my fear of walking out into a world that was at times too big for me and at times too small.

I can conquer this.

I can do this.

Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, i

Pink Floyd – Learning to Fly

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