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Posts Tagged ‘men’s health’

Sometimes, the lists just write themselves. Or, someone writes a list so absurd, you just have to show it to everyone.

Presenting, The Ten Compliments That Wow A Man, from Men’s Health magazine. I’m not going to bother with his laughable explanations. Just my answers to him. Click the link if you want to read his drivel.

“Your arms are definitely looking bigger.”
Thanks. I’ve been eating a lot of cheetos lately. Really. What if the guy has NOT been working out? What if he weights 350 lbs? Would you want someone to remark on your arm flab? I think not. Plus, if he’s been taking steroids on the side, you might want to be careful what you say to him. Too soon for a Christ Benoit joke?

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”
Girls. This is not the thing to say when he unzips his pants. And to be honest, most men can tell when your laugh is patronizing. If it’s not funny, don’t laugh. Giving a short burst of “hahahs” will crush his ego worse than a blank stare will. Especially if you do that stupid knee-slap thing. Nothing says “I’m pretending to find you funny in order to build up your fragile ego” more.

“Wow.”
While you may think this is the thing to say when he unzips his pants, most guys will be instantly filled with self doubt, as they won’t know if it’s a “holy shit, that can’t fit inside me” or a “is that it?” kind of wow.

“You the man.”
I’m not a guy, but I can be pretty sure that if I was, the last thing I’d want my girl to say to me is “You the man.” The only person who says that is a fat guy who’s holding a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other. And he points at you when he says it and the Doritos go flying everywhere and there’s usually spittle involved and a drunken stumble as he tries to high five you. Not something you want your chick saying to you, unless your idea of foreplay is a friendly punch on the shoulder.

“The kids just adore you.”
If the kids in question are his kids, then he probably knows this already and you sitting down next to him on the couch and saying this smacks of a really insecure woman who really means to say “is everything ok? am i good enough for you? are you happy? if i stroke your ego a lot will you stop threatening to leave me? please?” Besides, if the kids adore him, let them tell him. That’s what macaroni art is for.

If the kids in question are yours, but not his, you’re probably lying or he doesn’t care, so why bother?

If the kids in question are neither yours nor his, look out for a visit from Dateline NBC.

“What do you think?”
Jesus H. Christ. Every woman worth her weight knows to never say this to a man. Because a man knows that a woman doesn’t really give a fuck what he thinks. This sentence is just a prelude to the woman either manipulating the conversation so what she thinks ends up being what the man thinks, or is a passive aggressive tactic so the woman can end up crying herself to sleep at night when the man says “What do I think? I think those jeans make you look fat.”

“Cute feet.”
What the fuck? Cute feet? Come on guys, tell me. Please. Would any of you be “wowed” by this statement? Or would you just tell your girl that her fetish is adorable and she can find all kinds of feet related sex sites online?

“Meow.”
Furries are the lowest form of life next to people who write love poems in Klingon.

“Impressive.”
Sure, if he’s doing pushups with his dick. Otherwise, it’s just condescending.

“I want you.”
That’s not so much a compliment as a sign that you are not putting out enough, guy. A girl only says that when she wants to remind you that it’s been about a week since you put down those god damn power tools and the renovations on the house are coming along great, but damn, do I have to dress up as Bob Villa to get you to open up my power box?

Did I just say that out loud?

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