Posts Tagged ‘idiotic people’

damn the man, save the daylight

Once in a while you come across an article so stupid, so profoundly idiotic, that you have to check the URL a couple of time to make sure you’re not on some bad satire site. I did that last night and, after five URL checks, was still not convinced I could possibly be at real news site. Granted, it’s not the New York Times I’m looking at here but….still.

The article is titled A Time of Darkness. Intriguing enough. Could be about a lot of things. Let’s dig deeper and see what we have here.

It’s a trick, a treat or a “nightmare.”

The government changes time.

It’s an article about Daylight Savings Time. Ok, it’s that time of year. Lots of people will be writing about that subject.

For the first time ever, daylight-saving time was pushed back to the first Sunday in November this year. The sun won’t set till 7:30 p.m. on Halloween. In some places, it won’t rise until 7:30 a.m.

Well, yes. That’s the point. And that’s a good thing, right? For years, people have been complaining that putting DST ahead of Halloween was a stupid idea, giving children that much less daylight in which to do their trick or treating. Because we all know that in today’s America, children are precious little creatures who should not be allowed out after dark because there are predators lurking at every corner. But that’s for later. Let’s continue with this.

Area psychologists say it will also make us stressed, leave some depressed and possibly weaken our immune systems. And we might never recover.

Ah, I love fright journalism. Let’s take something really mundane and make it absolutely horrifying. Let’s play on the culture of fear in America and give the people what they want – something else to get hyped up about, something else to make them running for their Xanax. We’re talking about an extra hour in the day here, people. One hour. A little more sunlight in your life. Wasn’t there a big study a few years ago, when Seasonal Affective Disorder was all the rage, that said sunlight was a natural anti-depressant? And now some extra light in our day is going to make us sick?

Let’s visit an area person to hear their take on this monstrosity of time being forced upon us:

In short, it’s a “nightmare” for John Olson of Lower Southampton.

“The changing all of the clocks in my house, including the three wall clocks, stove, microwave, TV, TiVo, DVD player, VCR, clock radio, two wristwatches, two cars, two computers, two cell phones, the indoor and outdoor thermometer and clock, outdoor light timers and security system takes about two hours twice a year,” Olson said.

Not for nothing, John, but I do believe you are engaging in a little hyperbole there. First of all, your TiVo, computers and cell phones should be changing time on their own. And three wall clocks in addition to the other electronic clocks in the house seems a little excessive, no? Maybe you should cut down on those luxuries, John. Really, with at TiVo and a DVD player, what do you need a VCR for? I’m sure your 70’s porn collection is readily available on DVD. And no one ever sets their VCR clock, anyhow. As for this all taking two hours of your time to reset? You’re either retarded or exaggerating. Wait, there’s more from Mr. Olson:

“Let’s say some poor citizen gets it wrong and always sets his clock ahead. After about 12 years the government will have stolen a whole day from this unfortunate soul,”

Are you fucking kidding me? Not only is this the most ridiculous statement I’ve heard since Paris Hilton said the last thing she said, I can’t imagine why any journalist would take this quote and put it in his article, unless it was to quietly ridicule the person he interviewed. Or maybe the author is so furious with his employer for making him write this filler piece that he decided to make quotes up. Because this can’t be real. In case it is, I’ll spell it out for you, Mr. Olson: IF A PERSON GETS IT WRONG FOR 12 YEARS IN A ROW HE DESERVES TO HAVE THE TIME “STOLEN: FROM HIM. Not even a zombie would want the brain of that man.

Let’s now visit poor Debbie Shuster.

“I’m 49 years old and all my life Halloween has always been in the dark,” she said. “Now, the kids will be out trick-or-treating and the sun will still be up. The lights and decorations — you won’t even be able to see them. I’m going to have all these nice little pumpkins outside and people won’t even notice them,” she said.

So, it’s all about YOU, Debbie? Never mind that the little tykes get to enjoy trick or treating for an extra hour (as mentioned previously, children disappear in the dark). Debbie seems overly concerned with her pumpkins. Hey, you know what, Debbie? It will STILL get dark. People will STILL see your pumpkins. We’re not talking 30 days of light, here. Just shut up and go back to carving your adorable little pumpkins while your 72 cats keep you company.

Later on in the article, the author talks to a professional something or other:

“I can’t recommend people to stay in bed, when they have to get up for work,” she added. “If you’re sleep is screwed up, then I’d recommend more emphasis on exercise and nutritious meals.”

What’s wrong with this picture, dear readers? Come on, you see it. YOUR. YOUR. IF YOUR SLEEP IS SCREWED UP. Well, I can see I’m not dealing with a four star newspaper here. So maybe I should cut them some slack. If both the author and the copy editor let that gross miscarriage of grammar usage get by, I can’t expect much in the way of a decent story.

I ran out of things to make fun of, anyhow. The rest of the article was just psychobabble about how breathing affects your every day life. Or something like that. It doesn’t matter. The important thing here is that you are sufficiently worried about something else, now. Who cares if it’s nonsense? What does it matter if some wannabe J. Jonah Jameson told a fresh-faced young reporter to write something terrifying about Halloween and the reporter, being an anti-government kind of guy, made up a whole scenario about how the MAN is trying to steal your time, ruin your Halloween and force you to reprogram your VCR. This article is a call to arms for Bucks County, PA! Everyone revolt against the time change! IT WILL AFFECT THE ROOSTERS! WONT’ SOMEONE THINK OF THE ROOSTERS?

Listen, Mr. Author. We have enough crap to worry about. Enough stuff being shoved down our throats by the nightly news anchors who think that scaring people for Halloween means frightening naive parents into thinking their children are going to DIE. The costumes are flammable, there may be a sexual predator living next door to you, there are razor blades in apples and cyanide in Smarties and burning leaves give off toxic smoke. AND, little Johnny’s Freddy Kruger costume is offending to the delicate sensibilities of your neighbors, your celebration of a Pagan ritual is causing the little children next door to live in a hostile environment, your Halloween display is offensive to the real witches and how DARE you give out candy with peanuts in it? Don’t you know that there just might be some kid around here who is slightly allergic to nuts and his mother will sue your ass for handing out Reeses peanut butter cups?

I really think it’s the goal of the media, from Rupert Murdhoch’s empire right down to the Bucks County rag to suck the fun out of every damn thing that was ever enjoyable, while raising up the culture of fear.

Well, fuck you. I’m going to enjoy my Halloween. I’m going to wear a scary, gory costume and scare the bejesus out of little kids because they LIKE that. I’m going to hand out candy that will rot their teeth and laugh at the mothers who bring their kids trick or treating to the mall because it’s “safer” than going to the homes of the neighbors you live next to every single day of your lives. And I’m going to enjoy the hell out of the extra hour of sunlight and when I’m driving to work in the morning and it’s still dark out I’m going to put on my sunglasses anyhow, raise my fist through the sunroof and shout DAMN THE MAN!

Happy Halloween.

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