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Rock You Like A Hurricane

I really wish they (“they” being a myriad of people/organizations) would stop telling us that New York is “due” for a really big hurricane.

They’ve been harping on this for three years now. You would think they’d understand by now that as-yet-non-existent hurricanes don’t really have a travel itinerary. There’s no hurricane boss standing around saying “Ok, Hurricane Frank, you will head to NY in August of 2007.” It’s not like these things are flying into Kennedy Airport with their bags packed.

Yea, we’re due. The same way we are due for a blizzard of previously yet unseen terror. The same way we are due for a tidal wave that will sink Long Island into the ocean.

Oh, that reminds me. When I was in high school (centuries ago!), they used to tell us that Long Island was sinking an inch a year and pretty soon it would all be underwater and we’d have to find somewhere else to live.

We’re still here.

Why do the People In Charge Of Everything love to be such alarmists? Maybe they are in cahoots with Home Depot and they have an agreement that says every spring they need to announce an imminent, dangerous hurricane so people run out and by plywood and generators and stuff, and Homeland Security gets a cut of the action.

It doesn’t matter to me, anyhow. I’ve said this before: If a huge hurricane decides to make its way here, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not packing up my family and heading to higher ground. I’d rather take the chance and possibly die in my house than perish in traffic on the Long Island Expressway. Because, let’s face it. If there’s a mass exodus along those Coastal Evacuation routes they set up, it’s gonna take about seven hours for you to get from one exit to the next on the LIE. By the time the hurricane hits, we’ll still be bumper to bumper trying to get onto the Triboro bridge and I ain’t going out like that. I spend enough of my life cursing at the traffic jams on Long Island. If I have a choice between facing a hurricane in the comfort of my own home or making a lame attempt to flee the storm and dying in a sea of Expeditions and Suburbans, I’m going to opt for sticking my head under the covers and waiting it out in my bed.

Even if we survive, it’s not going to be anything like the aftermath of Katrina. Long Islanders are inherently lazy people. We can’t be bothered to loot and riot. Most people around here would spend the days after just worrying about how this affects their lawns or their golf plans.

Besides, there are more important things to worry about, things that the People In Charge of Everything are suspiciously silent about when it comes to preparation and planning.

Screw the hurricane alarmists. I’m ready and waiting for the coming Zombie Invasion.

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