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back off the bowl, man!

Dear Women Who Don’t Like Football,

Now, I am not a HUGE football fan. I used to be. I used to plan my Sundays around games and wear my jerseys (Packers/Jets) and spend my entire Monday mornings thinking about what went wrong. But I’ve let my fandom slip away and I’m more of a casual observer now. Still, it’s Super Bowl Sunday and there’s nothing like an excuse to eat all kinds of junk food and yell at some football players to get me sitting in front of the tv on a Sunday again.

But what does the woman who does not like football do on a day which her significant other considers a High Holy Day?

Oh, there are at least a hundred articles out there detailing how women can enjoy the Super Bowl even though they hate sports. Because, you know, there are no women who like sports. Not at all. We’re all running around in our high heels and pearls, acting all silly and dumb and watching Desperate Housewives in between making some pie and birthing babies.

Oh, look. Here’s one. 10 Easy Tips to Enjoy Super Bowl Sunday (Even If You Are a Girl)

My favorite:

6. Toilet Penalties and Seat Fouls. Every time the boys leave the seat up, girls get a 2 minute reprieve from the football talk. Feel free to bring up any non Super Bowl related topic for two whole minutes without being shushed!

Ladies? You know that myth about Super Bowl Sunday being the day when most wives/girlfriends get a domestic beating? It probably stems from all the women who have ever tried something like this. Don’t be a statistic, ok?

A few of the other tips on that page boil down to this:

Show your tits, shake that ass, pry his eyes away from the tv with promises of sex that you’ll never make good on. And if all else fails, pretend to know something about football.

As one of those women who actually likes football, I’ll give those of you tempted to follow this misleading advice a few pointers.

First of all, there are few things more annoying than watching a game with someone who feigns an interest. We don’t want to answer your incessant questions, especially “what color are we again?” You’ve had all season to pretend to be interested in football. Super Bowl Sunday is not the time to start asking why the guy with the whistle is waving his arms like that.

Second and most important piece of advice: Why don’t you just leave the game watchers alone instead trying to ingrain yourself into their world? Can you imagine the uproar if a bunch of men walked in on your scrapbooking party and started wagging their dicks and pretending to care about your creative borders and special scissors? Someone would end up with the nickname Bobbit, that’s what would happen.

It’s obvious when you’re faking it, I just want you to know that. I’ve been at many Super Bowl parties where women have been hostile towards the females actually watching the game because we were allowed in the inner sanctum of the couch in front of the tv, rather than being relegated to the back of the room or the kitchen. Why are we let in? Because we really have an interest in, and knowledge of, the game. Listen ladies, our interest in the NFL is not going to somehow going make your spouse stick his tongue down our throats. Nothing could be farther from the truth, girls. I could sit there stark naked with a vibrating dildo in my hand and your husband wouldn’t even notice. The only things on his mind are wings, beer and the end zone. That end zone. Not mine. Or yours.

Just let it go, girls. If you hate football, give the day over. Don’t spend hours trying to figure out a way to insert yourself into the picture; it will only cause resentment later. Go find all the people you know who don’t care about football and start your own party. Get sloppy drunk and sing hair metal karaoke. Strip down to your underwear and play Twister. Or watch a Women in Peril marathon on Lifetime. . Whatever floats your boat, ladies. I just know there are guys out there who hate football, too, and I’m sure they’d be happy to join you rather than trying to spend another winter Sunday trying to play the part of interested participant.

Super Bowl Sunday is not Take Back Your Man Day. It’s not an opportunity to discuss toilet bowl etiquette or ask what those white lines all over the field are.

And really, it’s not you who annoy me so much as the insistence of the media to put out stupid articles on how women can get their man’s attention on Super Bowl Sunday. Attention news people: There are lots of women who like football. And there are also lots of women who don’t feel threatened by their men who do.

[In the interest of full disclosure, I have no favorite in this game, so I’m rooting for the Steelers because, Franco Harris. As good a reason as any, I suppose]

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booing beckham

David Beckham will either be the worst thing to happen to US soccer or the best thing.

I’m going with worst.

Then again, he gives me another reason to hate LA. Used to be I could just direct my hatred at Alexi Lalas. Now I get two egotistical, arrogant, obnoxious pretty boys to spit at.

Thinking about going to see the Red Bull play LA Galaxy in August. But that entails driving to Jersey just to throw shit at David Beckham. I can sit home and watch it on tv and get the same results, without having cross the George Washington bridge.

Maybe I’ll just stick to watching the COPA tournament on Univision.

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