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Posts Tagged ‘christmas songs’

christmas songs for inclusive times

I’ve done this before, and I’ve often offended people while making fun of people who try too hard not to offend people. Which is offensively fun.

These new, improved holiday songs, designed to be politically correct, all inclusive, non-offensive and completely devoid of holiday cheer. Look for them at your local All Encompassing Holiday Sing A Long, In Which No Santa, Snowman or Dreidel Will Appear.

I’m Dreaming of Many-Hued Winter Season
Rudolph, the Reindeer with the Facial Appendage of a Different Color

Oh, Come all ye Faithful, Agnostics and Atheists

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (but it was Grandma’s fault for being in the space set aside for woodland creatures to run free without interference from human beings)

Frosty the Snowperson of An Indistinguishable Gender

Joy to the *World (*The word world includes all nations, including Iraq, North Korea and Iran)

I Saw My Parent/Step Parent/Guardian/Caretaker Kissing Santa Claus

We Wish You a Merry December (and a happy new calendar page for those that observe the years according to other religions or cultures)

I’m Getting Nothin’ for Christmas (because my parents think the holiday is overcommercialized and co-opted from pagans and only capitalist pigs buy presents)

Little Drummer Person

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Buy-Nothing Day

You Must Have Had a Terrible Childhood, Mr. Grinch

Supreme Being of Your Choice Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople

Oh, Christmas Tree (we will guard you from the lumber industry)

Up on the House/Apartment/Cardboard box Top

All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (but because we don’t have nationalized health care for everyone, my parents can’t afford dental coverage)

Let it Snow (but it won’t because of global warming)

Yes, of course I want you to come up with your own.

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Alternative Christmas, Volume 8

I’ve woken up with bad songs in my head before. Remember the Total Eclipse of the Heart fiasco? And just this week I had Afternoon Delight careening through my brain one morning. But today. Today was the worst. The song I woke up singing this morning at 4am is surely a harbinger of doom and destruction, a sign that today is going to be a day of disasters.

I woke up singing Christmas Shoes.

As if Christmas songs in November isn’t bad enough, it had to that one?

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want it to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

I don’t know about you, but that makes me want to beat the singer with a pair of stiletto heeled shoes. Seriously. I just don’t get songs like this. I mean, I don’t have anything against sad songs, per se, but this thing wants to jerk the tears out of your eyes with a fucking claw hammer. It’s emotional porn. Like those Chicken Soup for the Soul books, turned up about twelve notches.

Now I’ve got Christmas songs running through my head. It was pretty inevitable, even at this early date. Every store is playing Christmas music. My daughter has some emo pop punk Christmas thing playing all the time. My nephew seems to delight in singing the chorus from Jingle Bell Rock over and over and over again.

I hate Christmas music. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if the stores didn’t start piping it in sometime around Halloween. By the time December rolls around, I want to deck the halls with random body parts of Salvation Army workers. I’ve already had enough of Winter Wonderland and the Barbara Streisand version of Jingle Bells is enough to make me convert to Judaism.

The thing is, I don’t mind getting into the holiday spirit. The holiday season is a nice time of year. Peace, love, family togetherness and all that crap. I don’t want to completely blot out the holiday atmosphere.

So each year I compile a holiday playlist that will keep me in the mood, but keep me from choking a random elf. I play these tunes as shop online or decorate the tree or watch my neighbor go down on his blow-up Santa. I load the playlist up on my iPod when my coworkers break out into a spontaneous chorus of It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

I always take suggestions from the peanut gallery. That’s you, by the way. Add on any songs you think fit the bill here. The Alternative Christmas Playlist usually consists of alternate versions of Christmas classics, metal/punk bands doing holiday music, as well as offbeat, or just deranged, seasonal songs that deal with the less jolly side of Christmas (for instance, that Weird Al song about Santa going crazy at the mall, any South Park Christmas song, etc.) or just plain weird holiday songs. Please, no Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

I’ll start off this year’s playlist. I’m looking to you to complete it.

In other news, holy crap, I’ve been doing this online for eight years.

King Diamond – No Presents for Christmas
Spinal Tap – Christmas With the Devil
Vandals – Christmastime For My Penis
Pennywise – Christmas in Hell
Captain Sensible – One Christmas Catalogue
Fear – Fuck Christmas
Christmas in Hollis – Run-D.M.C.
Snoop Doggy Dogg – Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto
Zebrahead – I Hate Christmas
Wesley Willis – Merry Christmas
Wall Of Voodoo – Shouldn’t Have Given Him A Gun For Christmas
The Damned – There Ain’t No Sanity Claus
Pansy Division – Homo Christmas –
The Frogs – Here Comes Santa’s Pussy
Stiff Little Fingers – White Christmas
Hanoi Rocks – Dead By X-mas
Vandals – My First Xmas As A Woman
Blink 182 – I Won’t Be Home For Christmas
Eazy E – Merry Mothafuckin’ Xmas
Arrogant Worms – Santa’s Gonna Kick Your Ass
Ramones – Merry Christmas Baby (I Don’t Want to Fight)
Pennywise – Christmas in Hell

For your viewing/listening pleasure, King Diamond’s holiday classic, No Presents For Christmas.

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i got your christmas cheer right here

It’s that time of year. That wonderful time when radio stations, stores and even well-meaning family members bombard you with Christmas songs. It starts on Thanksgiving Day and goes until about 6pm Christmas evening when Uncle Harry, drunk on eggnog, finally has a music meltdown and throws the stereo into the fireplace. The ensuing explosion marks the blissful end of holiday sing a longs.

Ok, I like the traditional Christmas music. It gets me in the mood. But by the time it gets to be five or so days before Christmas, I get tired of it. I’ll take the Frosty and Santa’s Coming to Town and Up on the Rooftop and all those kid like goofy songs. But most of the tunes bring out the Scrooge in me. Felice Navidad makes me stabby. That Christmas Shoes song makes me want to choke someone with a pair of cowboy boots. Have you ever heard Barbra Streisand’s version of Jingle Bells? It’s enough to make you turn Jewish. And the constant playing of these songs everywhere you go is enough to make you hate the season.

Which is why, every year, I compile a list of non-traditional Christmas songs. Whenever someone attacks me with Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, I have a counter-attack ready. When someone in my office wants to “lighten up the mood” by playing The Chipmunk Song over and over again, I have something to make her wish she never heard of Alvin.

I have my AntiChristmas Mix CD almost ready to go. I’ll add some songs on if you come up with any more.

King Diamond – No Presents for Christmas
Spinal Tap – Christmas With the Devil
Vandals – Christmastime For My Penis
Pennywise – Christmas in Hell
Captain Sensible – One Christmas Catalogue
Fear – Fuck Christmas
Run DMC – Christmas in Hollis
Snoop Doggy Dogg – Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto
Zebrahead – I Hate Christmas
Wesley Willis – Merry Christmas
Wall Of Voodoo – Shouldn’t Have Given Him A Gun For Christmas
The Damned – There Ain’t No Sanity Claus
Pansy Division – Homo Christmas –
The Frogs – Here Comes Santa’s Pussy
Stiff Little Fingers – White Christmas
Hanoi Rocks Dead – By X-mas
Vandals – My First Xmas As A Woman (and you can really include the whole Vandals Oi to the World album here)
Blink 182 – I Won’t Be Home For Christmas
Eazy E – Merry Mothafuckin’ Xmas
Arrogant Worms – Santa’s Gonna Kick Your Ass
Ramones – Merry Christmas Baby (I Don’t Want to Fight)

And….Christmas in our house would not be complete with this special song, just for Todd:

A Patrick Swayze Christmas

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