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Posts Tagged ‘baby eating’

pumpkins and legends

ps pumpkins

We went pumpkin picking yesterday (why yes, you cans see more of my pumpkin pictures here, thanks for asking). Which really wasn’t so much pumpkin picking as surveying a piece of church property where about 2,000 pumpkins had been placed. So while we didn’t pick the pumpkins off the vine, we did pick out our pumpkins. Which, I suppose, is pumpkin picking, in a way.

It’s getting pretty close to Halloween and it finally feels like it outside. It’s time for sweatshirts during the day and a fierce determination to NOT turn on the heat at night. It’s time for raking leaves and baking apple pies and making pumpkin soup. And it’s time for some Halloween stories and urban legends.

I love a scary story. I especially love when I’m told a scary story by someone who completely believes that story is true. And at the end of their tale, when they are waiting for me to gasp in horror, I just roll my eyes and tell them to go to snopes. Really, the look of disappointment on their face is entertaining.
“So you mean no kid was abducted and had his organs cut out and replaced with sheep organs and was sold on the black market to the president of a well known police organization for use as sacrifice to Satan?”
“No.”
“Damn.”

Being disappointed because your story about a child being tortured isn’t true? Idiot. And I know. You heard it from your cousin whose best friend’s brother’s math teacher knows the uncle of the baseball coach of the kid who was kidnapped. Impeccable sources there, buddy.

I think I’m such a skeptic now because I was fed such bullshit when I was a kid. Every scary, creepy or shocking story ever told to me turned out to be a sack of lies. It’s not that I wanted it to be true that earwigs crawled in some lady’s head and had a million babies in her brain, I was just pissed that these people lied to me. They told me they knew someone who knew someone who saw this shit happen. Or who lived next door to where it happened. So not only did I believe them (why would my babysitter lie to me?) but I passed these stories on to other people. I put my reputation on the line because I thought Bubble Yum was really made of spider legs. Bastards.

But hey, most of these stories are still around. And people are still believing them. That’s why I get seven emails a day from my mother warning me about some thing that has been debunked 500 times already. “Mom. Dad told us that when I was like seven. And I found out it wasn’t true when I was ten. Get with the times.” Just because “oven” has been changed to “microwave” and “the kids from Life cereal” has been replaced by “the kid from Wonder Years” doesn’t mean they are any truer than they were back in the 70’s.

One of my other favorite legends isn’t creepy or scary at all. Just funny in retrospect. It has to do with Rod Stewart, Elton John, a stomach pump and a gallon of sperm. But I’m sure you have heard some variation on that. So here’s my favorite urban legend:

A couple goes out during the day for whatever reason, and hires a neighbor to watch their baby. The neighbor is a young, dirty hippie who has a young, dirty hippie boyfriend. They tell the hippie couple, “hey, think you could throw this turkey in the oven for us at 4:00? kthnxbye.” And they go out. And the dirty hippie teenagers smoke some of that evil wacky weed and get really, really stoned. At 4:00 they remember about the turkey and put it in the oven.

Later, the couple comes home. Smells something cooking. But hey, what’s this? Why is the raw turkey still on the counter? What’s that cooking in the oven? And why does it smell so much like burning……………OHMYGOD THE HIPPIES COOKED MY BABY!

Yea. They put the baby in the oven.

I don’t know about you, but I never in my life smoked pot that was so powerful that I would mistake a baby for a turkey. However, having been only about ten when I heard this and still two years away from my first taste of Columbian Gold, I was amazed not at the fact that the baby was cooked alive, but that pot could do that to you. I said as much to my babysitter, who had told me the story. She sighed. Shook her head. “Little one. The moral of this story has nothing to do with the way marijuana can take over your brain. It’s about hippies. Dirty hippies who take drugs and say things like ‘fuck the establishment, man.’ You can’t trust them. Hippies are evil and will eat your children.”

“But, they didn’t eat the kid.”
“They would have. If those parents hadn’t come home, they would have had roast baby for dinner.”
“So…hippies are cannibals?”
“Well….let’s just say that people under the influence of marijuana get very hungry at times and will eat just about anything you put in front of them.”
“Oh, like when your boyfriend ate the frozen hot dogs last time you were here.”
“Go to bed.”

So what’s your favorite? Which urban legends gave you a bit of a scare when you were a kid? Or still scares you. The guy with the hook? The couple who ran out of gas? The mysterious hitchhiker? Richard Gere’s gerbils?

Oh, and when you go to bed tonight, check your pillow for earwigs before you sleep.

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