I’ve done this before, and I’ve often offended people while making fun of people who try too hard not to offend people. Which is offensively fun.
These new, improved holiday songs, designed to be politically correct, all inclusive, non-offensive and completely devoid of holiday cheer. Look for them at your local All Encompassing Holiday Sing A Long, In Which No Santa, Snowman or Dreidel Will Appear.
I’m Dreaming of Many-Hued Winter Season
Rudolph, the Reindeer with the Facial Appendage of a Different Color
Oh, Come all ye Faithful, Agnostics and Atheists
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (but it was Grandma’s fault for being in the space set aside for woodland creatures to run free without interference from human beings)
Frosty the Snowperson of An Indistinguishable Gender
Joy to the *World (*The word world includes all nations, including Iraq, North Korea and Iran)
I Saw My Parent/Step Parent/Guardian/Caretaker Kissing Santa Claus
We Wish You a Merry December (and a happy new calendar page for those that observe the years according to other religions or cultures)
I’m Getting Nothin’ for Christmas (because my parents think the holiday is overcommercialized and co-opted from pagans and only capitalist pigs buy presents)
Little Drummer Person
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Buy-Nothing Day
You Must Have Had a Terrible Childhood, Mr. Grinch
Supreme Being of Your Choice Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople
Oh, Christmas Tree (we will guard you from the lumber industry)
Up on the House/Apartment/Cardboard box Top
All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (but because we don’t have nationalized health care for everyone, my parents can’t afford dental coverage)
Let it Snow (but it won’t because of global warming)
Yes, of course I want you to come up with your own.
Otherworldly/fantasy beings of indeterminate origin we have heard on high
Away in an Alley (because HUD closed our building so a developer could build luxury condos)
We Three Persons of Royal Lineage (unless that offends, then we’re democratically elected; unless that offends, then we’re despots)
Ode to Joy (and by Joy, we mean that cute receptionist that everyone likes because we know that assuming one wants to celebrate feeling joy is rather forward of us, besides, Joy has a nice rack)
…assuming one wants to celebrate feeling joy is rather forward of us, besides, Joy has a nice rack
In which case it is safe to assume everyone wants to celebrate feeling Joy (with the possible exception of Joy herself)
O Arbitrarily Significant (unless your beliefs say otherwise) Period of Darkness
Favorite. Christmas post. Ever. I’m tempted to forward these to my grandmother, who’s offended by a mere “Happy Holidays” and would probably bring these up in church next Sunday, in a prayer for reclaiming the country.