Archive for August, 2007

300 bands, 300 songs (139 – 145)

139. White Zombie – Thunderkiss ’65
The is THE most perfect driving song ever. Get behind the wheel with this tune cranking and you’ll find your speedometer climbing almost of its own volition. The driving bass line, the guttural delivery, the way you want to watch the needle climb past 100 as you scream 1965………..yeah. Windows down. Sun blazing. Is that a cop on your ass or is that the siren in the song? Probably both.

140. Helmet -In The Meantime
Bass. Drums. A mean guitar lick. And a voice like a ten ton hammer. Heaviness personified. A great song to play when you want to counter act your neighbor’s inistence on blasting Loverboy while he’s washing his car. Turn it up to 11 and watch him cower when Page Hamilton starts screaming.

141. GBH – Knife Edge
This song was made for the pit. The starts and stops, the breakneck pace, the winding guitar, the machine gun delivery of the lyrics, and then the drop, it’s like the band was giving you a break, letting you catch your breath before they kicked back in and you had to get your feet moving all over again. Livin’ my life on the edge of a knife. Kick ass.

142. Journey – Separate Ways
How can you not sing this song when it comes on? I can’t be the only one who takes the nearest thing that resembles a microphone and does a Steve Perry grimace while banging my fist against the wall motion. You have seen the video, haven’t you? Some people call this video and song the ultimate in cheese rock. And they are right. But I love it.

143. Bon Jovi – Dead or Alive
I hate Bon Jovi. But this song. I can’t help it.

This is how you measure a guilty pleasure song: does it make you burst out singing even when your heart and soul are yelling a big Darth Vader Noooooooooooooooo!? When this song comes on I am a fucking cowboy. Riding a steel horse. And when he gets to that part – oh yea you know what part – it’s all I can do to keep from pumping my fist in the air. Cause I’ve seen a million faces. And I’ve rocked them all.

Maybe Bon Jovi was lying to himself there, but we all sing it like we mean it.

145. 5th Dimension – Stone Soul Picnic
(this one is for Ken. He made so many suggestions and I’m finally getting around to one of his).

I’m about six years old, laying on a blanket in my backyard because my mother thinks being out in the sun will cure the nasty cold I have. I’ve got a glass of orange juice and a chocolate snack pack pudding -back when they used to come in metal tins with flip top lids that you could cut your tongue on, if you were the kind of person that licked the lid. Which I was. Blood and chocolate really isn’t a bad mix. My mom is stretched out next to me and we’re looking at clouds and pointing out shapes like poodles and castles and the little radio is on next to us. Might have been on WABC back in that year. I just know it was AM and sounded like it was being broadcast from a tin can. This song came on and mom and I just laid there in silence, watching the clouds drift by and the music made me feel so relaxed, so mellow, so good. I was six years old and getting a natural high. And my cold went away that night. Coincidence?

FAQ here
list of upcoming bands/artists here.
List of songs completed so far here
Link to all 300 bands, 300 songs posts


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about your radio

Remember that talk we had yesterday about ringtones?
Let’s now talk about radios in the cubicle farm.
I don’t want to hear yours. And it’s really not fair for you to subject us to a station that plays nothing but sappy love songs all day long. There’s only so much Michael Bolton one can take before a “workplace incident” occurs.  And every time they play “Sometimes When We Touch” I have the sudden urge to strap on a pair of roller skates and wait for someone to ask me to skate the “couples only” song.
Look around the office. Some of us – like me – are wearing these new fangled things called headphones. They are this great invention that allows you to listen to Journey’s “Open Arms” in your own little headspace, where no one else has to hear it.
I don’t subject you to my repeated playings of HellYeah’s “You Wouldn’t Know,” do I? No. So don’t subject all of us to “Butterfly Kisses.” Unless you have a desire to see yourself bleeding on the 5:00 news.
Thank you for your time. Again.
[this has been a blind post by email. please ignore any errors]

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Artists upcoming this week.

White Zombie
Grateful Dead
Alice Cooper
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Roy Orbison
The Runaways
Grandmaster Flash

You know what to do.

Also, still accepting more artists. There are still some I’m surprised have not been suggested yet.

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134. Scorpions – Rock You Like A Hurricane
Some of you may listen to Winds of Change and get all weepy about the fall of the Berlin wall. Some of you may listen to Still Loving You and get all weepy about the one that got away. Me, I am moved by Rock You Like A Hurricane. It is MY song.

Some day, when I finally get my professional wrestling gig, I will come out into the arena to this song. I will get into the center of the ring and say the words, for the past 20 years, have been my motto throughout my daily life, whether it be at work, at home or in bed:

Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.

135. Fang – Berkeley Heathen Scum
Like I’ve said before, I hope you all find some new music to listen to through this adventure of mine. This is a band I’m sure most of you don’t know – a Northern California 80’s punk band that made some decent music (that was covered by both Metallica and Nirvana). Sammytown‘s voice is a bit hard to get used to; think Cookie Monster on ludes. But I kind of like it. It’s got a “I really don’t give a fuck” attitude about it. He sometimes sings like he’s going through the motions, just growling out some random lyrics and, while that doesn’t sound very appealing, it works here. It’s like slowed down punk rock, maybe what would happen if the Dead Kennedys took too much acid. Or if Jefferson Airplane smoked some crack. Psychedelic, trippy punk rock. How can you go wrong? Well, besides the whole murder rap thing.

136. Allman Brothers – Whipping Post
I could have listed just about any song here and I would have been satisfied that I made the right choice. Memories. All good ones. Cruising on a road trip to nowhere in my first car. Beach parties and bonfires. Huge picnics in the park, trying to move the kegs from field to field before the cops tracked us down. Seeing the band live about 15 times.

This song, so many years later, still gives me that same rush, that same desire to stand up on a stage and belt this out, that same surge of adrenaline when the music goes down and he picks up again with Sometimes I feel……..the one that comes from the bottom of his soul and works its way up and comes out sounding like a powerful right hook would.

If you have ever seen the Allman Brothers play then you know what a damn near religious experience this song can be live.

137. New Bomb Turks – I Want My Baby Dead?!
You’re in an oil stained garage that’s been cleared out to make just enough room for your friend’s band and there’s a dozen people crowded in there stinking like sweat and shitty beer and the feedback is bouncing off the walls and the shirtless guys are bouncing off each other and when you step outside for a smoke you can still feel the concrete shake. That’s this song.

138. Elvis Presley – Viva Las Vegas
I grew up on a steady diet of Elvis. In the homes of my friends, they worshiped Jesus or Mary or Moses. In my home, there was Elvis worship. I knew all the songs. I was forced to watch all the movies. Elvis in Hawaii. Clambake. Some movie where Mary Tyler Moore is a nun and Elvis seduces her. I think. I think he has to battle Jesus for Mary’s heart or something. I figured out a very young age that all the movies were the same. Elvis meets girls. Elvis sings to girls. Elvis makes out with someone. What happens in between all that doesn’t matter. It’s like watching the old Star Trek shows. You just wait for the moment when Kirk bangs an alien chick. Then the episode is complete. When Elvis sings at some swooning girl, the movie has reached it’s climax. The rest is just filler. Elvis. Kirk. Same thing. All you needed was an episode of Star Trek where Kirk swiveled his hips and crooned something like “hunka hunka burnin love” to some chick with blue skin and three arms, and you’d have Elvis in space.

I’ve grown to fully appreciate Elvis. Maybe it’s something that comes with entering old age. Maybe it’s because of the Velvet Elvis hanging in our computer room. Maybe it’s because Elvis built the pyramids.

Anyhow. I chose this song for a reason. Because it is quintessential Elvis.

FAQ here
list of upcoming bands/artists here.
List of songs completed so far here
Link to all 300 bands, 300 songs posts

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you and your ringtone

[I am writing this via email, so I have no idea how it will look or if the formatting will come through. We’ll call this blind blogging. I will have no idea if it worked til I get home]

Listen, I don’t mind if you have a fancy ringtone. I really don’t. Just because my phone is on vibrate/silent all the time, doesn’t mean you have to be as considerate as I, especially in the workplace. Thing is, I just might have a ringtone. But perhaps I don’t think everyone in the building needs to know about my Super Mario Brothers fixation, like you think everyone needs to know that you love that damn umbrella song. Maybe, just maybe, you can show some consideration and take the phone with you when you make your 50th bathroom run of the morning. Hey, I’m not knocking you there. I have a weak bladder as well. But unlike you, I do not leave my cell phone on my desk when I have to pee. You do. Ringer on, volume turned all the way up, knowing damn well that one of the kids is going call (because they seem to call every three minutes) and once again we will all be subjected to umbrella…ella….ella…ella….ella…ella…

This goes for you too, Mr. Take Me Out To The Ball Game. And you, with the Family Guy clip that plays every time your boyfriend calls. And you, with the Star Wars sound effects. Hey, I’m a big Star Wars geek myself, but listening to R2D2 beeps all day long makes me want to burn my action figures. I’m not saying give up your ringtones. Just please, either turn them off when you are at work or stop leaving your phone on your desk when you leave the office. It’s like we are being held hostage by your ringtone every time someone calls. We all now live in fear of your phone. When you get up and walk out the door, we cower and shake as the phone sits there on your desk like a ticking time bomb and, as sure as shit is brown, not two seconds after you leave the bomb goes off and it rains down a chorus of ella…..ella…..ella… on us.

Don’t be surprised when I sue you for post traumatic stress disorder.

Or when I furtively change your ringtone to Slayer’s Angel of Death.

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Discovery 1: Sticking to just the 300 songs thing is boring for both you and I, so regular blogging will resume alongside the songs thing.

Discovery 2: Most of you like the multiple song entries as opposed to the single song entries, so I’ll go back to that – and most likely do that once a day, in my evening post. Ten songs or so at a time.

Discovery 3: This guy rules. I hope he puts as much thought and effort into his marriage as he did into his proposal. Either way, this is a kick ass way to ask someone to marry you. It made me smile.

Discovery 4: When I was very young, the only thing more exciting than the New Fall Season! issue of TV Guide was the arrival of the Sears and Penney’s Christmas catalogs. Someone has scanned entire Sears and Penneys catalogs from my youth and put them online.

What’s interesting is how all the girl’s toys involved cooking, child raising, grooming and….being a cashier in a grocery store.

Which leads to

Discovery 5: Flava Flav owes a debt of gratitude to the Sears catalog of 1971.

Discovery 6: Some people should have their parenting licenses taken away. Not really a new discovery, but people find a new way to piss me off every day. Or at least make me shake my head in amazement. To wit: Parents begin potty training at birth. Not just potty training. But doing a whole diaper-free thing. So when they have to go, they go. This woman is talking about her precious little bare-assed snowflake:

“Sometimes I don’t know what’s gonna happen and it doesn’t work, and sometimes I feel a little embarrassed,” Arnesen said. “It makes her happy though, right? She smiles, she’s happy.”

I want to smother that woman with a diaper. THIS, my friends, is how we raise self-centered, spoiled children who grow up to be self-centered, spoiled adults who think they deserve to be happy just on the basis of existing and who will now think that the world is their toilet bowl. (link via lenin’s tomb)

And last but not least:

Discovery 7: My son knows how to play a pretty good prank. I found this on my computer screen when I got home from work Friday.

Click for bigger. Let me tell you, it gave me a near heart attack. I was cursing up a storm and wishing death on the Islander’s management and I even called my sister and made her start screaming as well. I don’t know how he did it (some kind of script), but he got me good. And now I need to figure out how to get him back.

That’s all the discovery I can handle for one morning.

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300 bands, 300 songs – 133

133. Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine – Me So Horny
What do we have here? Ah, Me So Horny. No, not 2 Live Crew. Too early in the morning for that. Instead, we have the soothing, mellow tones of Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine. For the uninitiated, Richard and his band do cover versions of hard rock, metal, rap and punk songs (plus some other stuff), lounge singer style. It’s part hilarity, part irony and mostly really cool. I mean, just imagine it. Sitting in a small motel bar. Downing a gin and tonic while killing time in some godforsaken town you are passing through. Tonight’s entertainment is some singer you never heard of but who reminds you of that Bill Murray character on “Saturday Night Live.” Suit and tie, drink in hand, kissing the microphone while making small town talk with you. Piano kicks in and you figure you are in for some poorly constructed Neil Diamond singalong. You wonder if you remember the words to “Cherry Cherry.” And then he starts singing:

Sittin at home with my dick on hard/So I got the black book for a freak to call.”

What did he just say? Is that….2 Live Crew? Is he singing Me So Horny?

Im a freak in heat, a dog without warning My appetite is sex, cause me so horny.”

Wow. Yea. He is. So you kind of groove along to it, thinking how romantic and endearing this tune sounds when interpreted by Mr. Cheese and his band.. You find yourself nodding your head and singing along and you don’t even realize what you’re saying when you get to “Put your lips on my dick, and suck my asshole too.” You just sing. Because Richard Cheese can make even the most vulgar songs sound sweet.

Listen here.

Other songs considered: Holiday in Cambodia, Gin and Juice, Down With the Sickness

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