Listen, I’m not really a hater. But sometimes you go out in public and you realize that humanity is full of people who just don’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. This happens more frequently in a place like Target, which brought me a lifetime’s worth of hate yesterday. Witness:
- The scene in the bathroom. Woman in stall with small child. The child is screaming “I have to poo! I have to poo!” The mother responds with “YOU CAN NOT POO IN A PUBLIC TOILET! YOU WILL WAIT TIL YOU GET HOME!” The daughter cries, the mother yells, the daughter is distraught because, man, she really has to poo. “I can’t hold it in until I get home!” Then, “Young lady, we do not poo in public bathrooms! You hold that poo inside you like a good girl!”
- The angry young woman in the cereal aisle, who stuck her cart smack dab in the middle of the aisle while she perused the seven varieties of Cheerios, and would not move said cart no matter how many people said “excuse me” to her. “I am SHOPPING HERE.” Yes, that’s what she said. An elderly man asked her to please move her cart aside and she literally glared at him and said “Go back the other way. I ain’t moving.” Finally, I used my cart to slam hers out of the way. She gave me a “how dare you” look and I moved quickly out of the aisle before she could deck me.
- The hefty size parents with the hefty size kid – he was about ten years old and 200 lbs. Their cart was filled to the brim with frozen prepared foods, cookies, soda, sugared cereals, candy and chips. The kid was taking stuff off the shelf like it was Christmas and Target was Santa. And the parents just smiled and poured the carbs and fat into the cart. I wanted to run up to them and say “You are killing your child!” But I did not want to be beat on by a 6 foot, 300 lb woman on a carb high.
- The soccer mom who spent her entire shopping time on her bluetooth, telling her BFF how freaking awesome her offspring are. I heard about Jamie’s soccer championship and Taylor’s hockey award and how everyone wants to take Jamie to prom and it’s the hardest decision to choose between so many awesome guys who want you and how she (the mom) would be devastated if Jamie did not get Prom Queen and Taylor is going to be so surprised when he gets the snowmobile for his birthday and “OH MY GOD DID YOU HEAR JACKIE’S SON WORKS IN KMART? What the hell is that all about? My kids don’t have the time to work between sports and social events!”
- The woman on the checkout line, having a cell phone conversation about how heavy her period is this month.
- Buying a personal Pizza Hut pizza at the Target lunch counter because I had to eat something before I went back to work and it was that or a giant, plumped up hot dog that looked so phallic I’m pretty sure the woman in line in front of me had an involuntary orgasm, then eating said pizza – which was about two days old – while driving, and washing it down with the sludge remaining in the week old can of Red Bull that’s on the floor of your car.
I don’t hate the world. I don’t even hate all of humanity. I just hate everyone in the store with me when I’m shopping.
And I hate shopping.
It’s so fitting that when I play Left 4 Dead, I’m always Francis. Because he hates everything: