raising hell

What follows are posts from a long ago, long defunct website called Raising Hell, where I used to write sometimes funny, sometimes heartfelt stories about parenting with some other crazy parents, and I just recently found all this stuff – which I thought was lost forever – at archive.org. So for my posterity and hopefully your amusement, some Raising Hell. All of these are from 2002/3.

1. Letters Never Sent

Dear Natalie and DJ,

Hi. This is mom. I’m writing this at 3am, after coming home from one of our relative’s weddings. It’s really not important whose wedding it was because you’ll probably never even meet these people and if you do it will only be at the funeral of another relative you probably don’t know. I mean, our family is so big there are probably people I run into all the time that I am related to and don’t even know it. Geez, maybe I even dated some of them.

Anyhow, I’m writing this thinking that someday I’ll give it to one or both of you, depending on which one of you is still living at home or not in jail or if your therapist has told you to never talk to me again. Most likely I will look at this tomorrow morning, laugh maniacally to myself and burn it.

So if I give this to you years and years from now, when you are out of high school and on your way to becoming a famous author (Natalie) or a famous baseball player (DJ) or cashiers in K-Mart or professional students, I want you to answer some questions for me:

Was I a good mother? (This is not multiple choice or essay. A simple yes or no will do)
DJ, do you forgive me for the insect repellent incident?
Natalie, do you forgive me for embarrassing you at every chance I got? (Please note here that I forgive you for embarrassing me).
Did all those video games have any lasting effect on your view of life?
Did you actually enjoy when I sang to you or were you just humoring me?
What one incident sticks out in your mind as a defining moment in our relationship? (Nat, the time I lost you at the Bronx Zoo doesn’t count, and DJ, neither does the time I took a picture of you in that dress and told you I was saving it for your first girlfriend).

So anyhow, I just wanted to tell you guys that I love you and I always tried to do the right thing by you even if it seemed to you at the time that I was being the meanest mother in the world. And every time I said It’s going to hurt me more than it will hurt you, I meant it. And every time I said, this is for your own good, I meant it. And every time I said you guys are gonna drive me to drink, I meant it. And every time I said I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, with a big fat cherry on top, I meant it.

So if by some error of judgment I actually do give you this letter some day, maybe you can look back and laugh at the fact that your mother was out of her mind some time. And maybe you can use this as evidence for your therapists.

I love you guys,
Mom.

2. Life’s Harsh Lessons Learned in a Pet Store

One Saturday afternoon, the phone rings. It’s Natalie. She is calling from the pet store, where she’s with her stepmother.

Nat: Hi Mom, I’m at the puppy store.
Me: No.
Nat: But MooooooOOOOom (that’s about 8 syllables there)
Me: No.
Nat: This is the cutest puppy ever, I even pet him. I would even sell my computer if we could get a puppy. I don’t want anything else but this puppy!
Me: We have discussed this before. We don’t have room for a puppy, and no one wants to buy your brother so we can make room.
Nat: Mom…I pet him, and I fell in love with him and now I have to have him!
Me: That’s what life is, Nat. Falling in love with the unatainable.
Nat. Whatever, mom.

3. The Absolutely Wrong Way to Discuss Sex With Your Child

The day eventually comes when your child asks you THE question. How are babies made, mommy? It’s natural curiousity and, depending on the age of the child, you either sit down and have a frank discussion with them or you tell them that babies grow in the garden and the baby fairy picks them when they are ripe.

But when your child phrases the question in a different way, it throws you off and sends you on a trajectory path to that odd world of a kid’s brain.

DJ had just gotten out of the bath the other day when he said he had a Very Important question for me. Usually his Very Important questions revolve around Derek Jeter’s batting stance or how CatDog goes to the bathroom. Not this time.

“Mom, what are my balls for? I’m not trying to be disgusting or anything, but what are they for?”

I would normally phrase my response to Very Important questions carefully, but he threw me for a loop with this one. I didn’t have time to think of something that would answer his question in vague terms and put an end to the conversation at the same time.

I explained, in child like terms, about seeds and fertilization and babies.

DJ is a realist. He stopped believing in Santa because no one could explain to him in scientific facts how reindeer could fly. He thinks along straight lines, and he needs proof and written explanations of how everything works. So there is no lying to him. Not even fibbing.

“So, how does the stuff a guy has down there get into the woman?”

“Ummm, the guy puts it in there.”

You have to understand, it was morning. We were trying to get out of the house to our respective schools and jobs. Morning mayhem plus Very Important questions equals mommy getting into areas she didn’t intend to. And giving really bad answers.

DJ contemplates my answer for a minute. Then his face scrunches up in a look of horror and appall.

“IN HER MOUTH?? HE PUTS IT IN HER MOUTH??” The color has drained from his face.

I stutter. I stammer. I do not laugh. I forgot that DJ, at 9, knows basically nothing about the human anatomy that does not involve his own little area that he is so fond of well, fondling.

I do my best to explain to him how the sperm gets into the woman.

His jaw drops. His mouth hangs open. He sits in stunned silence for a moment.

“No, really. Don’t make up stuff to me. Tell me the truth.”
“Really, DJ.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“It would have been better if you just said God made babies. I would have believed you.”

I probably have scarred him for life. But I’m glad I cleared up the mouth issue. That could have caused problems for him later on in life.

4. The Baby Eater

The kid at the pet store swore that we were buying two male hamsters. So when they began retreating to a corner of the cage and performing nasty deeds with each other, we just shrugged and figured they were gay.

Kobe, the smaller of the two, gave birth this morning. So much for the “two males” theory.

Natalie and DJ were standing by the cage, watching Kobe run around while a tiny mutant looking thing dangled out of his backside. Akuma, the molester hamster, was trying to pull the mutant baby out.

Ok, the babies weren’t exactly mutants but have you ever seen a newborn rodent? They look like miniature versions of ET.

Anyhow, I grabbed Akuma out of the cage, put him in the attached cage, and took off the tube separating the two. Some maternal rodent instinct kicked in and I was sure that I was doing the proper thing. It just didn’t look right for the father to be pulling the baby out with his teeth.

Natalie screamed. “SHE’S EATING THE BABIES! SHE’S EATING THE BABIES!”

Sure enough, Kobe was stuffing the mutants into her mouth like they were treats.

“Maybe she’s just storing them in her cheeks so she can take them to the upstairs cubby,” I said.
“Right, mom. She’s chewing.”
DJ was staring intently. “Do you think they taste good? I bet they’re really nutritious.”
“You want to try one?” I pretend to open the cage up.
“Ewwww mom! Hey, how come there’s no blood or anything squirting out when she bites on them?”
“She’s eating them whole.”

They stare for a few minutes then a look of horror crosses DJ’s face.

“Umm..mom? Weren’t they from the same litter?
“Yea, why?”
“SHE DID IT WITH HER BROTHER!!!”

DJ and Natalie alternate between making gagging sounds and cracking up. Meanwhile, I go to the computer to look up FAQs on hamsters. I talk to the incestuous rodent.

“You should have thought about this before you started humping her, you know. What did you think was going to happen? Now you get stuck in the little apartment and she wants no part of you. Oh yea, I know, she’s partly to blame. She could have said no. But you’re going to have to go back in there and take responsibility for your actions.”

I read through the FAQs as I talk to Akuma. “Now, Akuma, you go back in there and umm…lick the babies and eat the placenta. And then umm…clean up your girlfriend, too. And help her out with the babies.”

I envision myself giving this talk to DJ some day. Without the placenta eating part. I think “It’s never too early to start handing out condoms.”

You can learn an awful lot from a rodent.

There’s plenty more where that came from, if you want them.