Everyone’s walking around making resolutions for 2008. Lose weight. Quit smoking. Get a job. Stop cheating on your wife. Same resolutions you make every single year and break about three days into January. I figured out about five years ago that making these promises to myself is a surefire way to stomp on my own self esteem. Why make promises you can’t keep or resolutions you know damn well you will not live up to? Why set yourself up for failure, disaster and self loathing when the simpler thing to do would be make resolutions you know you can keep?
Try it. This year, resolve to do only things you know you can and will do. Forget about tossing the cigarettes or giving up the booze or finding a job. Why set yourself up for failure? By making easy to keep resolutions, you are really resolving to feel better about yourself in the long run, and who can’t get behind that? Instead of feeling hopeless and dejected when you reach for that hidden bottle of vodka, instead of beating yourself up for being content to lay on the couch watching Oprah and collecting unemployment checks, instead of contemplating suicide because you failed the Bar again, just fuck it all. Don’t even make those resolutions to begin with. Set the bar low and you’ll never have to worry again about being a disappointment to yourself.
I quit smoking last year. I quit drinking in 2006. I’ve been on a pretty successful diet for a month (give or take a holiday or two). I have no intention of giving up my potty mouth or my addiction to computer/video games. There’s nothing left for me to give up. I could make some of those “better yourself” resolutions but really, being passive/aggressive is part of my charm. Why change that? Instead, I’m going once again with resolutions that won’t make me hate myself by February.
The 2008 List of Failure Free Resolutions
I resolve to:
Watch a lot of television
Take a lot of pictures
Ignore the surgeon general’s warnings on any food or drink product
Have wild, spontaneous sex (this counts even if you do it with yourself)
Bitch about the weather
Consume my weight in sushi
Make up at least two new curse words while driving
Nap every weekend
Watch a lot of hockey
Give people advice but never follow it myself when applicable
Tell my children that they are driving me to drink
Say “We don’t care how you do it in California” at least once a month
Blot out my co-workers’ insistence on drama, gossip and Michael Bolton with my “Better Living Through iPod” ignore feature.
There you have it. Isn’t that better than trying to quit barbiturates, again?