Was up most of the night staring at the lightning, listening to the rain and hacking up part of my lung. I forgot about that lovely benefit of giving up cigarettes – coughing up chunks of lung butter.
The lightning was pretty cool. Ok, it was a little scary. I’m a wuss like that. But I can’t be the only one who gets a little nervous when streams of lightning are actually hitting the ground just a few blocks away and it makes a cracking noise like the world is splitting open and it suddenly feels like daylight at midnight?
Maybe I’m just naturally afraid. Of everything. We were talking last night about my fear of lightning, which led to a conversation about my fear of the dark. Todd, putting on his psychologist cap (just one of about 150 caps he owns), was wondering how a person like me, who absolutely loves horror movies, can be so afraid of the dark. Of course, he answered his own question with a ten page thesis on the sublimation of fear through the use of scary films and the overcompensation of my fear of scary, creepy evil things that happen in life by obsessing about movies in which scary, creepy, evil things happen.
Maybe, I answered, I just like them for the entertainment value. Maybe I just enjoy watching ghosts and goblins and ax wielding madmen and blood and severed limbs and the living dead and murderous mayhem.
Maybe I just like being scared by things that are fake. The small thrill I get when a movie manages to frighten me or make me jump out of my seat is entertaining because it’s not real. There’s no ghosts in my bedroom, no zombies in my garage, no floating, headless spirit stalking me in my hallway.
Or is there?
No. I’m not really afraid of ghosts. I’m afraid of real things. Being robbed in the middle of the night by home invaders. Lightning. Floods. Earthquakes. Drunk drivers. Kidnappers. Fallen wires. Heights. Depths. Open spaces. Closed spaces. Bees. Driving next to those rigs that carry about 40 cars on them. Walking over open grates.
I have a lot of irrational fears. But you know what you don’t see on that list? Deranged men with chainsaws. Psychotic neighbors in hockey masks. Werewolves. Trolls. Vampires. You know why? Because rather than horror movies overcompensating for my fears, they have taught me how to conquer my fears. For instance, when I was younger I had a fear of leprechauns, but watching several of the Leprechaun movies not only got me over that fear, but helped me learn valuable lessons about how to deal with the little fellas. I also learned at a young age what I should do if one of my best friends suddenly started puking up pea soup and masturbating with a crucifix. Back then, I would have run for the nearest priest. If it happened today, I would be running for a video camera so I could put my friend’s possession up on youtube.
Which leads me to today’s list. Because I’ve made the commitment to myself to post a list a day. Why? No idea. Maybe I’m overcompensating for a subconscious fear of things being out of order. I’ll ask Todd about that when he puts the psychologist cap back on.
Anyhow, today’s list. Well, I was going to make a list of the worst horror movie sequels ever, but that always leads me to thinking about Troll 2, which leads me into a rant about it being THE WORST HORROR MOVIE SEQUEL EVER. Worse than the Ring 2. Worse than any Halloween sequel. So you get a rant instead of a list, but you can always feel free to make your own list of worst horror movie sequels in the comments.
Picking Troll 2 as the worst sequel is admitting that I kind of liked the first. Well, I did. It was campy and cheesy and poorly written, but it had such appeal. June Lockhart. Julia Louis Dreyfus. Sony Bono! It was a fun movie, the kind you wind down with on Halloween night after watching a bunch of movies that would have you sleeping with the lights on. But this sequel? It doesn’t even have trolls. Troll 2. No trolls.
You know pretty quick into this movie that things are going to be bad. There’s this moronic, semi-retarded family and they are going to vacation in a town called Nilbog.
The town. Nilbog. NILBOG.
Just in case you don’t get it, due to the subtle brilliance of whoever thought that up, the father of this insipid family says to someone on the phone: “Nilbog…You spell it N-I-L-B-O-G.”
Like I said. Semi retarded.
So, we’ve got a troll movie with goblins and no trolls and no discernible connection to the first film. And not even a single B list celebrity to make fun of. And no plot. None at all. Just some random happenings that are supposed to make sense but leave you wondering if you went into a stupidity coma and missed part of the movie.
But what we do have is urination! After the ghost of Josh’s grandpa tells him the food the family is about to eat will turn them into goblin food, Josh takes matters into his own hands. Literally. He whips out his dick and pisses on dinner. Oh yea. That went over big at the family table. I mean, I’ve seen this happen before but I usually just have to say something like, “No grandpa. Pull your pants back up, grandpa. You are not in the urinal at Yankee Stadium.” Josh’s dad isn’t so patient. He gets pissed, so to speak, and shows Josh a letter from the owners of the house they are renting. And says the cheesiest line ever recorded in film history:
Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can’t piss on hospitality! I won’t allow it!”
I remember seeing this for the first time. I just sort of stared. Blinked. Questioned myself. Ok, Michele, you haven’t done drugs in a long time. You haven’t been drinking. I think he really just said that.
And that’s pretty much how the whole movie goes. You sit there wondering if all the acid you did back in the day is playing havoc with your mind because there is no way this dialogue could really be happening.
“They’re eating my mommy!”
“Would you like some, Josshhh-uuuuuu-aaaaaa?”
Oh god. Just eat him already. Please, for the love of god, eat the whole fucking stupid family because they really don’t deserve to be alive. I was rooting for the goblins. I wanted them to take over the house, the town and the birthplace of whereverthehell the director of this movie was from. Somewhere in Italy. I wanted to go back in time and keep this guy from ever being born. I mean, this giu makes Uwe Boll look like Martin Scorcese.
This movie just should not exist. Yet, I watched the whole thing. More than once. I’ve studied it. I’ve re examined it. And yet I cannot fathom how something like this ends up playing in your local movie theater on a Saturday afternoon. You know those magnetic poetry things? There must be something out there called Magnetic Cliche Characters. Whoever wrote this movie just picked out some magnets, threw them against the fridge and made characters built solely on the cliches that stuck. And then he went into a bumfuck town and said something like “eight bucks and a candy bar to anyone who wants to act in my movie!” A few Snickers bars and a credit card transaction later and Troll 2 was rolling.
I don’t know what else to say about this movie. It’s not even bad in a Plan 9 From Outer Space way. It’s beyond that. But. You have to see it. Yes, it’s horrible on every single level. But you need to witness the outright horridness of it all. You need to see all the mistakes and continuity problems and make-up disasters. You need to see this just so you can know that bad exists on levels you never dreamed of. Beyond Baby Geniuses or Leonard Part 6 or even Kazaam, which I thought was the worst movie in existence until I laid my eyes on the green jello goblins of Troll 2.
Oh yea. Josh defeats the goblins. With bologna sandwiches.
Bologna. Fucking. Sandwiches.
Yep, I just gave you spoilers without a warning. Please. If you’ve got an IQ above “Paris Hilton” you will know everything that’s gonna happen about twenty minutes before the characters in the movie do. Or, if you’re lucky, your brain will shut itself down about five minutes into the film and the bologna sandwiches won’t even matter.
Oh, toward the end of the movie, the piss-happy Joshua finally gets it.
Nilbog! It’s goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!
Now I have no list for today. I’ll have to come up with one for tonight.
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